But in the end, its still so lonely..

The past few months have been a complete whirl-wind for me. I've been through more ups & downs than I would like to admit with my lifestyle, my weight, my body. I have been feeling very unhappy with myself lately. Not that I was ever completely happy with me, but the past few weeks - even days - it has been an overwhelming feeling of unhappiness. Not just disappointed that I have failed on my healthy eating & skipped the gym, just genuinely disgusted & unhappy with what I see in the mirror - with, or without clothing - I am unhappy with me.

Its been tough. Really tough. I know, I know - "you can't complain unless you're going to do something about it" but I am in a funk, that I can't seem to bail myself out of. Over-indulging in my favourite food-sins hasn't helped, seeing myself gain 6lbs hasn't helped, going to the gym or for a run hasn't helped. Nothing is helping, nothing is getting me back to where I was 85lbs ago when I was strong, determined, when I was dedicated to being a better me.

On my 25th "champagne" birthday (August 25th) I made myself a promise. I promised myself that in 365 days from that day - on my 26th birthday - I would be 100lbs lighter. I would be at my ultimate goal weight of 180lbs. August 25th, 2012 marked Day 1 of my personal 365 day challenge.

Turning 25 was the most fun I've had in a long time, I was surrounded by so many people that love me and we celebrated, I was spoiled, it was a blast. Turning 25 was also a sharp knife, being driven in to my heart and twisted until I couldn't breathe anymore. On my 25th birthday I remember back to when I was a teenage, how I spent many a days planning the perfect life I was going to have and all that would become of me by the time I was 25.. I had planned to be a mom of two by now... and I'm not, not even close.

  Of course. I keep reminding myself why I am doing this, why I am losing weight, why I am living a healthier lifestyle. Sure, I want to feel better about myself, I want to look better. I want to go shopping with my best friend and be able to walk around holding the same bags, with clothes from shelves of stores I never dreamed of wearing when I was Fat Allisha. I want my husband to look at me and see a stronger, more beautiful woman than he ever thought I could be, I want to show the people who doted on my weight my whole life that I am the same smart, strong, independent, loving, caring, compassionate bitch they knew at 368lbs as I am at 180lbs.

More than anything, I am doing this because I want to be a mom. I want to be responsible for another persons life, teach them everything good about the world, and teach them how to see everything bad about the world the right way. I want to feel unconditional love from a tiny little person who sees me as a superhero, no matter how big or small I am. I know that I want to be a good example for our future children, I want them to know how important it is to live a healthy life. I need to be healthy for them.

I could have went back to visit Dr Claman this summer, but I didn't. It was a hard decision to make, because I want nothing more than to be on my way to getting pregnant, but it's not time just yet for us to take the plunge in to starting fertility treatments. To invest the time & money when I am not where I want to be with my weight, with my body would be silly when I have already come so far. I have struggled throughout this entire process when I was told "even losing 5lbs could help your chances of conceiving" because I have already lost 5lbs - 17 times over - I'm down 85lbs since we started medical intervention and its just. not. happening. Of course I want to lose this weight and hope that in the process it does happen on its own - but if it doesn't, a part of me wants to walk in to that office - 185lbs lighter, HALF the person I was when this started - and say "I told you so, I told you that my weight was not the only issue here" but more than that, I want to walk in to that office with my head held high & say "I did it, so please, help us."

And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Enough is Enough..

Its only Tuesday and my week is off to (what feels like) a terrible start. I constantly try to remind myself & those around me that regardless of what we're going through, someone has it worse than we do. Even though its only been little things - like forgetting my salad dressing at home, a bad experience with a customer at work -  I'm kind of sick of making myself (and others) feel like their feelings aren't validated just because someone else in the world "has it worse". Screw you world, I've got my cranky pants on today & they're freaking COMFORTABLE.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have been struggling with my weight for a long while now. I have always been "big" by fault entirely of my own. Once I was old enough to decide whether or not I ate breakfast, lunch & dinner - I just didn't do it. I would skip breakfast, skip lunch and have dinner late at night or, I'd hit up McDonalds for lunch with some friends and not eat again until the next day. Obviously, we all know how bad McDonald's is for us, but what some people don't know (what i didn't know back then) was how terribly bad not eating is for you. Believe it or not, eating McDonalds 3 times throughout the day has been proven to be "better" (and I use this term lightly) than not eating at all, or eating one meal per day. As long as your body has food to burn at intervals throughout the day, your metabolism will be working more effectively (read that properly, I didn't say WELL, I said more effective) than if you're eating one meal per day, in which case you are "starving" and your bod wants to do whatever it can to keep itself fed "just in case" so it stores every little molecule of fat that it possibly can.

This is how I got to be 368lbs. Yes, 368lbs was my heaviest weight that I recorded.

I think I had a mini-revelation once I got our wedding photos back in early 2010. Not that I was in denial about being overweight before that, just that I hadn't quite understood how "bad" it was. I looked big in all the right places, in every single picture. I was always covering myself up, standing awkwardly hoping to get a decent picture where I didn't look like a cow, positioning myself so my double chin wasn't so defined. I looked uncomfortable, and it broke my heart because I couldn't even focus on all of the love & fun that was captured in our pictures, all I could see was fat Allisha.

From there I decided it was time to do something about it. I started eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. I kept my carbs under 50g/day, I tracked my calories using My Fitness Pal and I started working out at GoodLife with a friend. I lost 50lbs doing this before my dad was admitted to the hospital in August 2010, where I dropped another 35lbs between the end of that month & beginning of October when he had passed away. Not the healthiest way to do it, but I didn't have much control over my body or my mind during those few months.

Weighing in at 283lbs, I am 15lbs away from having lost my first 100lbs. Though I should be so proud of myself, I've been struggling the last few months. I've hit a major plateau and I need to get back on track, and I am hoping that starting this new blog will help me. 


I've been hesitant to do this, but I will do it anyway. No matter how far I have to go, I have also come a long way and I should be proud. One day, I will be proud.

^ @ 368lbs

^ @ 283lbs