The past few months have been a complete whirl-wind for me. I've been through more ups & downs than I would like to admit with my lifestyle, my weight, my body. I have been feeling very unhappy with myself lately. Not that I was ever completely happy with me, but the past few weeks - even days - it has been an overwhelming feeling of unhappiness. Not just disappointed that I have failed on my healthy eating & skipped the gym, just genuinely disgusted & unhappy with what I see in the mirror - with, or without clothing - I am unhappy with me.
Its been tough. Really tough. I know, I know - "you can't complain unless you're going to do something about it" but I am in a funk, that I can't seem to bail myself out of. Over-indulging in my favourite food-sins hasn't helped, seeing myself gain 6lbs hasn't helped, going to the gym or for a run hasn't helped. Nothing is helping, nothing is getting me back to where I was 85lbs ago when I was strong, determined, when I was dedicated to being a better me.
On my 25th "champagne" birthday (August 25th) I made myself a promise. I promised myself that in 365 days from that day - on my 26th birthday - I would be 100lbs lighter. I would be at my ultimate goal weight of 180lbs. August 25th, 2012 marked Day 1 of my personal 365 day challenge.
Turning 25 was the most fun I've had in a long time, I was surrounded by so many people that love me and we celebrated, I was spoiled, it was a blast. Turning 25 was also a sharp knife, being driven in to my heart and twisted until I couldn't breathe anymore. On my 25th birthday I remember back to when I was a teenage, how I spent many a days planning the perfect life I was going to have and all that would become of me by the time I was 25.. I had planned to be a mom of two by now... and I'm not, not even close.
Of course. I keep reminding myself why I am doing this, why I am losing weight, why I am living a healthier lifestyle. Sure, I want to feel better about myself, I want to look better. I want to go shopping with my best friend and be able to walk around holding the same bags, with clothes from shelves of stores I never dreamed of wearing when I was Fat Allisha. I want my husband to look at me and see a stronger, more beautiful woman than he ever thought I could be, I want to show the people who doted on my weight my whole life that I am the same smart, strong, independent, loving, caring, compassionate bitch they knew at 368lbs as I am at 180lbs.
More than anything, I am doing this because I want to be a mom. I want to be responsible for another persons life, teach them everything good about the world, and teach them how to see everything bad about the world the right way. I want to feel unconditional love from a tiny little person who sees me as a superhero, no matter how big or small I am. I know that I want to be a good example for our future children, I want them to know how important it is to live a healthy life. I need to be healthy for them.
I could have went back to visit Dr Claman this summer, but I didn't. It was a hard decision to make, because I want nothing more than to be on my way to getting pregnant, but it's not time just yet for us to take the plunge in to starting fertility treatments. To invest the time & money when I am not where I want to be with my weight, with my body would be silly when I have already come so far. I have struggled throughout this entire process when I was told "even losing 5lbs could help your chances of conceiving" because I have already lost 5lbs - 17 times over - I'm down 85lbs since we started medical intervention and its just. not. happening. Of course I want to lose this weight and hope that in the process it does happen on its own - but if it doesn't, a part of me wants to walk in to that office - 185lbs lighter, HALF the person I was when this started - and say "I told you so, I told you that my weight was not the only issue here" but more than that, I want to walk in to that office with my head held high & say "I did it, so please, help us."
And that is exactly what I am going to do.
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